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Can we just talk about this for a minute?

Can we just talk about the Wizard Visa card for a minute?

Wizard Visa Card Pamphlet 092915-0244

Somehow I was smarter about finances in my younger years. Particularly when I was in school for my bachelor’s degree. Back then I avoided debt like the plague. I didn’t have any for most of my life (thanks Mom and Dad!). All that changed, however, when I undertook the quest for that prized item I really thought I wanted known as a Master’s Degree. (Every day I wonder if that was the right decision to make—and I usually lean towards “Nope!”—but that’s another discussion for another day.)

Wizard Visa Card Pamphlet 092915-0242

With the money you’d save from not going into debt by getting this card (and by this card I mean any card), you could probably buy all the exclusive comics you want (from someone who, say, needs the money due to credit card debt). But hey, they have a 5.9% introductory APR!

I always wondered if the Witchblade vs. Darkness #1/2 was incentive enough to get people to sign up for this. Anyone out there get this card? Did it end up mostly for good (e.g. exclusive comics) or ill (e.g. debt that even Witchblade can’t help you with)?

Tuesday, September 29, 2015 stuffonpaper Leave a response , ,

Holy Crap Check Out These RockCards

I found these little gems in a dark corner of my old room at my parents’ place that apparently lay undisturbed since 1991.

Rockcards Front

Back in the early- to mid-nineties I was big into trading cards, albeit mostly fantasy stuff (think Boris Vallejo and Julie Bell). I was also a metalhead, so I guess it makes sense that I’d buy something like this?

Were these actually collectible? Were there guys (or girls) getting together to trade these things? “Johnny, I’ll trade you a Boston for an Air Supply!” “Okay, Lisa!” (Which is a horrible trade, by the way—don’t ever do that!) I know all the bands repped here except for Dan Reed Network and Junkyard, and I don’t care to look them up. Whitesnake though… yeah, they were totally my jam back in the day. That’s probably why Tommy Aldridge is in the middle of the page.

Tommy Aldridge, the forlorn poodle of hard rock.

Tommy Aldridge, the forlorn poodle of hard rock.

Remember Whitesnake’s self-titled album in ’87? It was frickin’ awesome! And by the way, thanks for jumpstarting puberty for me, Tawny Kitaen.

Anyway, RockCards. I love the list of stats on the backs of these things.

Rockcards Back

Where else are you going to learn Bryan Baker collects Coca-Cola memorabilia? Makes me wish they took it further and listed things like “Favorite Guitar Strings” or “Favorite Sunglasses to Wear Indoors” or a rating on a “Hair Fluffiness” scale. I think Jeff Labar is winning the ranking on that one. I like to think I would’ve placed respectably on that scale at one time, too. *sigh*

Thanks for the bittersweet memories, RockCards. I wonder if there are anymore time capsules hiding in my room…

Friday, July 3, 2015 stuffonpaper Leave a response , ,

Can we just talk about this “Lady Warrior” ad for a minute?

Realms of Fantasy ad, February 1999

Conveniently nestled between ads to meet Asian and Russian ladies, this ad in the February 1999 issue of Realms of Fantasy (a sadly now defunct magazine of fantasy fiction) was for a portfolio of eight pictures of women brandishing swords and shields. (Asians, Russians, Barbarians, take your pick!) Based on the accompanying picture though, and their pointing out that this portfolio “contains nudity”—as an invitation, I assume, not a warning—I’m guessing these warrior princesses are more lovers than fighters.

What I don’t get is sending in $2 for more information. More information about what? What else is there to say other than what’s already there? Here’s one scenario:

Johnny McJohnny wants more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II.“Yes, I’d like more information about the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II, please,” he writes. About a week after they (“they” being the lady warriors I guess?) receive his check for $2 and information request, Johnny gets a letter postmarked from Paradise, New Jersey—er, excuse me, I read that wrong. I guess that’s the name of one of the lady warriors living in the city of Brigantine. I really like the idea of Paradise being in New Jersey, though. But it is nice to think that there are a bunch of barbarian women running around this small town in Jersey, just because, you know, that’s just the way it is up there. Like Wonder Woman and Paradise Island.

Hmm… Brigantine is an island city… Could it be…

Naaah. Moving on.

Johnny opens the envelope, smelling of rosewater and large roasted fowl. “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II”, reads the letter inside. “Please see our ad in the February issue of Realms of Fantasy. Thank you!”

“Yes, thank you”, Johnny replies in another letter. “I saw that ad, which said to send in $2 to request more information, which is what I did. I’d like more information about the portfolio, please.”

A week later, “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II. Please send a check or money order for $2 for more information. Thank you!”

Johnny sends in his check and reply. “Okay, here you go. Now may I please have more information?”

Another week goes by. “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II. The Portfolio is a collection of eight full-color photographs on 8 1/2 x 11 stock. Contains nudity.”

He writes back (not forgetting his $2 check), “Yes, that information was in the ad. Is there anything else you can tell me about them than besides what’s already in the ad?”

A week later: “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II. What would you like to know?”

Another letter/check combo: “Well, do all the other pictures look like the photo in the ad? And just how much nudity is in these images?”

Another week, another reply: “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II. No, the images are different. Printing one image eight times would just be silly.

Regarding nudity: how much nudity is contained in the images is ‘yes’, the ‘yes, there is nudity’ amount.”

After spending $74 and waiting 37 weeks on information, Johnny McJohnny, feeling defeated, gives up and slowly downloads extremely low-resolution images of relatively-scantily-clad-yet-otherwise-appropriately-clothed fantasy cosplayers with his new 56K modem.

But hey, I’m not judging. If you (or Johnny McJohnny) prefer your Red Sonjas a little less Brigitte Nielsen and a little more Elizabeth Berkley, that’s cool. That’s just not exotic enough for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m ordering myself an Asian bride. Robot. A robot Asian bride. Hey, I didn’t judge you. Weirdo.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015 stuffonpaper Leave a response ,