Conveniently nestled between ads to meet Asian and Russian ladies, this ad in the February 1999 issue of Realms of Fantasy (a sadly now defunct magazine of fantasy fiction) was for a portfolio of eight pictures of women brandishing swords and shields. (Asians, Russians, Barbarians, take your pick!) Based on the accompanying picture though, and their pointing out that this portfolio “contains nudity”—as an invitation, I assume, not a warning—I’m guessing these warrior princesses are more lovers than fighters.
What I don’t get is sending in $2 for more information. More information about what? What else is there to say other than what’s already there? Here’s one scenario:
Johnny McJohnny wants more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II.“Yes, I’d like more information about the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II, please,” he writes. About a week after they (“they” being the lady warriors I guess?) receive his check for $2 and information request, Johnny gets a letter postmarked from Paradise, New Jersey—er, excuse me, I read that wrong. I guess that’s the name of one of the lady warriors living in the city of Brigantine. I really like the idea of Paradise being in New Jersey, though. But it is nice to think that there are a bunch of barbarian women running around this small town in Jersey, just because, you know, that’s just the way it is up there. Like Wonder Woman and Paradise Island.
Hmm… Brigantine is an island city… Could it be…
Naaah. Moving on.
Johnny opens the envelope, smelling of rosewater and large roasted fowl. “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II”, reads the letter inside. “Please see our ad in the February issue of Realms of Fantasy. Thank you!”
“Yes, thank you”, Johnny replies in another letter. “I saw that ad, which said to send in $2 to request more information, which is what I did. I’d like more information about the portfolio, please.”
A week later, “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II. Please send a check or money order for $2 for more information. Thank you!”
Johnny sends in his check and reply. “Okay, here you go. Now may I please have more information?”
Another week goes by. “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II. The Portfolio is a collection of eight full-color photographs on 8 1/2 x 11 stock. Contains nudity.”
He writes back (not forgetting his $2 check), “Yes, that information was in the ad. Is there anything else you can tell me about them than besides what’s already in the ad?”
A week later: “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II. What would you like to know?”
Another letter/check combo: “Well, do all the other pictures look like the photo in the ad? And just how much nudity is in these images?”
Another week, another reply: “Thank you for your request for more information regarding the Lady Warrior Portfolio Volume II. No, the images are different. Printing one image eight times would just be silly.
Regarding nudity: how much nudity is contained in the images is ‘yes’, the ‘yes, there is nudity’ amount.”
After spending $74 and waiting 37 weeks on information, Johnny McJohnny, feeling defeated, gives up and slowly downloads extremely low-resolution images of relatively-scantily-clad-yet-otherwise-appropriately-clothed fantasy cosplayers with his new 56K modem.
But hey, I’m not judging. If you (or Johnny McJohnny) prefer your Red Sonjas a little less Brigitte Nielsen and a little more Elizabeth Berkley, that’s cool. That’s just not exotic enough for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m ordering myself an Asian bride. Robot. A robot Asian bride. Hey, I didn’t judge you. Weirdo.